I find myself saying things like “You’re moving too slow!” “Go, go, go!” And “You’re a big boy now, start acting like it!” to the boys a lot lately.
So something Mike said to me tonight really bothered me but I couldn’t get mad because I had no right to because what he said was absolute truth.
You have no patience whatsoever.
Nothing like a calm quiet night and watching your kids sleeping peacefully to feel the onslaught of guilt and feelings of total failure as a mother. Sure I feed them, cloth them, bathe them, keep them alive and do the mom thing but I’ve been so terrified of the boys growing up so quickly, I’ve managed to numb the fear and pain by being a bit scarier, for lack of a better word.
I’m not a horrible mom I know, but I am capable of being so much better. That saying:
Well, we do the best we can…
doesn’t always apply when it comes to parenting. That’s just plain truth. Cause a lot of times, we absolutely are not at our best and we create more material for our daily “Book of regrets” when it comes to our kids.
- I know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
- I know I’m not the only guilty party here.
- I know some of my fellow mom’s are reading this going “Thank God it’s not only me!” And that’s the reason why I’m sharing this poopoo mommy moment.
- I know I am so lucky to have two healthy, beautiful and precocious boys who are larger than life in my eyes.
- I know God gave me the craziness that is The K Boys because he has great plans for me and the boys. Things are as they should be.
- I know there are women out there who dream of nothing but having a child and cannot.
- I know that there are parents out there who have lost a child and would do anything to have them scream at them or complain about whatever it is kids complain about again.
Lets face it, there’s no undoing mistakes and do overs…what we do and say to the kids is forever. So let’s try to not muck it up. When I go into drill sargeant mode, Mike always says
Dont you want the boys to want to come visit us when they are all grown up?
And that snaps me out of it. Thank God Mike and I put eachother in check when we need to be. That’s one thing I love most about our marriage.
So the next time I feel frustrated, ungrateful and find myself losing my patience, I am going to repeat the following words to myself:
Get a grip. You have absolutely nothing to complain about. The boys are just being kids. Let them know it’s okay sometimes to be slow when you’re in a hurry, to be silly when you’re not supposed to be. Why are you in such a hurry for them to grow up? Do not turn a 1 situation into a 10. Adults do this crap and the boys are only 3 and 5. JUST BREATHE and stop being such an A-hole.
So tomorrow morning, I’m going to apologize to them and ask them for their forgiveness. I’m sure J will hug me like he always does and say “It’s okay, I love you so much mom!” and M will give me his usual RBF look and say “You’re crazy. Give me chocolate…now!”